Tired
by NemKess
Summary: warnings: shonen ai, suicide themes. Issei is tired of unrequited love.


Title: Tired  
Author/pseudonym: NemKess  
Fandom: Please Save My Earth  
Pairing: Jinpachi/Issei  
Rating: PG13  
Status: I may write a sequel, but right now.. this looks like it!   
E-mail address for feedback:: nemsmuses@msn.com  
  


Disclaimers: Please Save My Earth belong to me? I could only wish. Nope, not mine. No copyright infringement is intended and no money is made. This is purely to silence the voices in my head. ^_^

  
Notes: I can not stand Jinpachi. He drives me absolutely batty- worse even than Ryo in FAKE!!! Still.. He's the one Issei wants and the demure telepath is my favorite character so either he gets him, or Jinpachi suffers the consequences. ^_^ Also, this is anime based, as I've only seen bits and pieces of the Manga. 

  
Summary: A prophetic dream makes Issei lose hope. He's so tired of unrequited love.   
Warnings: shonen ai/yaoi, suicide themes

~*~*~*~

I'm so tired, Jinpachi.... I'm tired of being unhappy. I'm tired of loving you and never being loved in return. How many lifetimes have been suffered through? Hundreds before, hundreds yet to come. 

It's sad really... Enju was the happiest I've ever been. And she was the happiest I ever will be. I've seen it. No matter how many times we're reborn.... I'll always fall in love with you. And you'll always fall in love with someone else.

I can't even have you in my dreams anymore. 

The last time I dreamed of you, my shields on my telepathy broke and you got drug into them. You acted so disgusted the next day. That hurt worst of all, I think. That you were disgusted by my feelings.

You think that I'm just letting my past as Enju carry me away, don't you? That I'm allowing her love for Gyokuran color our friendship.

You're wrong.

I've loved you since we were children, long before I ever knew the names Enju or Gyokuran.

Do you remember that day? The one where we first really met? We'd been in elementary school together for two years, but other than a 'hello' and a 'how are you?' we'd never really been properly introduced and certainly couldn't be called friends. But that day changed all that. I was always the smallest, quietest kid in class. I learned to be very fast very early. The bullies had managed to corner me that day, and you came to my rescue. You sent them all running and when you helped me up, you smiled so sweetly and told me not to worry. You promised to protect me from the world. 

I went home that evening and told my parents that I intended to marry you when I grew up. Father just rolled his eyes and muttered about little boys and their crushes. Mother thought it was the cutest thing. She took me aside and promised that if I still felt that way when we were both all grown up, she'd throw me the biggest wedding reception ever- no matter what Father said.

You promised to protect me from the world.

But you never said who was going to protect me from you. You, Jinpachi, were always the only one who could ever really hurt me.

After that day, we were hardly ever apart. And every day my love for you grew. It evolved from that childish hero-worship to something real and sustained. 

Even after I realized that two men being in love was not an accepted thing, and that you would never look at me the way I wanted you to... I still loved you. I knew that I always would.

I was content with our friendship. Even if you couldn't return my feelings, I was still the most important person in your world. And that was almost like being cherished and loved. It was enough.

Then the dreams that we'd been having for years took their more erotic turn. I was terrified at first that you'd find out through the dreams that I wanted you the same way Enju wanted Gyokuran and that you'd turn away from me in disgust. 

You didn't. Instead, you turned towards me, clinging to me as if I was the only sane thing you knew. The dreams began to draw us even closer together and for a while, I had hopes that maybe.. just maybe... we could be together.

Until she came.

Alice. Mokuran. Whatever you want to call her... The same woman who'd so completely destroyed Enju's happiness had returned to destroy mine, however unwittingly. 

You didn't even like Alice like that until you found out who her past incarnation was- and that Gyokuran had perused her. After that, she was all you could think of. She was all you talked about.

I could have disappeared and you'd have never noticed.

Ripping my heart out and stomping on it a few times might have been kinder.

That day on the rooftop, I nearly blew what little of your regard I had left when I kissed you but I couldn't help myself. I knew that if you reacted badly, I could just brush it off as either a joke or a surge of Enju's personality. Despite the relief I felt at your acceptance of my excuses, it hurt that you had drifted so far that you couldn't just tell that I was lying, as you could when we were younger. Once upon a time, you knew me better than anyone else and now you didn't know me at all.

It was disheartening.

After that our friendship was strained at best, non-existent at worst. When we greet each other now, people who don't know us just assume we're newly met acquaintances. No one would ever guess that for close to ten years we were inseparable.

Every day you prove how little I mean to you. 

Every day that I see you, I walk away with my heart just a little more shattered.

Tell me, Jinpachi.... What's the point in being reborn countless times when all that's ever in store for me is another miserable lifetime of unrequited love for you? 

What's the point?

There is no point and I'm not masochist to continue it. Enju wanted to end her life on the moon long before the plague took it. On nights like this, I wish she'd succeeded. Yet another misery to lay at Mokuran's feet, I suppose.

I know that I won't be reincarnated after this, but do you think Sarjalim will let me go to a pleasant afterlife? 

This isn't your fault, Jinpachi. Please don't ever think that. 

I just can't live like this any longer.

One last kiss to say goodbye?

I love you, Ogura Jinpachi. 

Goodbye.

~*~*~

In a darkened bedroom in a large home on the outskirts of Tokyo, a young man woke from his dream with a violent start. Sweat dripped off his face and the fear and sense of loss was a physical ache.

His lips still tingled with the feel of a dream-kiss.

Alone in the dark, he huddled in on himself trying to stave off the dread that had taken up residence in his chest. A single word, a name, escaped his lips. Spoken in a hushed, broken whisper. 

"Issei."


End file.
